Be careful – perfectionism

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As a result of persistent training on the simulators, you have achieved the desired result. But by carefully examining your body, you decide that it is not ideal – you need to again attack the fitness center. You stay up late at night, at work, not understanding how your colleagues go home without finishing work. Perhaps, having discovered the thrown shirt of her husband, you begin to shake, and the wife is waiting for a long lecture about how and where to store clothes.

If you, regardless of the efforts made, are not always happy with the result, or you are constantly disappointed in the people with whom you live or work, you are trapped in perfectionism. Perfectionism (in translation from French – “perfection”) – the doctrine of a person’s ability to improve, as well as the excessive desire of the individual for perfection in actions and behavior. Strive to be better – very commendable, but like any other phenomenon brought to the extreme, perfectionism can harm both the person and the people around him. According to research, perfectionists are more prone to stress and depression.

Some perfectionists do not forgive mistakes themselves, others – others. The former experience a seemingly trifling matter, accusing themselves of all mortal sins, the second they are sneaking subordinates, spouses and children.

Anna, 27 years old, accountant: “I somehow made a mistake in the calculations, and the chief expressed his displeasure, directly with other workers. I caught myself thinking that I’m not so afraid of losing this job, not so much I care about the consequences, how much my reputation. I did not want people to think badly about me. I have always tried to be the best since school. “

Anna is a perfectionist. Although the desire to be the best helps her in the work, this desire sometimes hinders in life. Like many other people, Anna worries about what they think about her. She is sure that, being the best, she will be able to find sympathy, approval, encouragement from other people. Therefore, any mistakes, in her opinion, are unforgivable.

Svetlana, 31, manager: “I’m very much suffering from the fact that I can not find myself a man. I have a huge number of acquaintances, some of them take care of me, but the relationship does not last long. I always find some minus that drives me crazy. I want to believe that I will meet the ideal man – a prince on a white horse. And if a man has a mess at home, or if his mother commands him, what kind of a prince is he? Girlfriends say that I have inflated demands, and that with this attitude I generally risk to remain alone. I tried to change a man – it ended in conflict and parting, I tried not to react to shortcomings – I can not, I just think about it. “

Svetlana’s perfectionism is directed not inward, but outwardly because of this she has problems in relationships with other people, because they do not meet her expectations. When she tries to talk about her desires, this leads to tension in the relationship or even conflict. Attempts to learn nothing from anyone not to wait and not to demand, too, did not lead to a positive result.

To make an effort, to achieve one’s goals is the right attitude. Just like a serious attitude towards choosing a partner, writing a report or ironing bed linen. But if, despite incredible efforts, you feel as if you have failed; if you constantly think that “everything is not as it should be”; if you are always worried, how others think about you – you can hardly be called a happy and contented person.

Causes of perfectionism 

1. The influence of parents.This is the reason most often called psychologists. Many perfectionists grew up in families where parents directly or indirectly made it clear that they were not happy with their children. Trying to stimulate their child, their parents would say to him: “If you do it better than everyone else, you will receive my approval, and if not, you will remain with nothing.” Psychologists claim that as soon as such a child grows up, he no longer needs the exactingness of his mother – he himself begins to make demands.

2. Problems in childhood.The second reason is directly related to the first, but the emphasis is on chaotic. Sometimes perfectionists become as a result of divorce of parents, crossings, financial problems, illnesses. The only way to stabilize your life is complete control and orderliness: polished boots, cleanliness in the room, a well-written essay, etc. Growing up, these people know only one way of calm life – control and exacting to themselves or others.

How to recognize a perfectionist?
As a rule, these people are neat, very neatly dressed and well-organized. They are achieving their goals with great zeal. Often too demanding to others, as well as to yourself. They are intelligent and self-confident, competent in their field – they are usually envious, because sometimes they seem ideal. However, they do not consider themselves ideal. It happens that perfectionists find it difficult to make a decision – they are so afraid of making a mistake.

How to get rid of perfectionism? 
Immediately warn you – if you like your quality, if it does not cause discomfort to you and your loved ones – live as you want, and enjoy life. If you are tormented by the desire to find the ideal man or to become an ideal worker, if you are tired of the complex of an excellent student, you need to understand the true cause of your aspirations. Perhaps, you are afraid that you will be rejected, will not respect, appreciate, love, if you make a mistake?

1. Decide right away . You found yourself a skirt in the store – satisfied with all the parameters. But then you start picking shovchiki, thinking, and not looking for “the same, but with mother-of-pearl buttons” – as a result, go in search of the perfect thing. Often this is not.
2. Ask for help.If you can not stop, all work and work – ask your colleagues to pick you up from work at the end of the day. If you can not make a decision, they will do it for you.
3. Get yourself a check-list. Experts in time management recommend that you create a time record card – there should be entered the time that you spent on various tasks.
4. Remember the wisdom of the people. There are many clever phrases that can help you:
“The best is the enemy of the good” (this is the case with the skirt), “Morning is wiser than the evening” (this is the case with work), “Take with you on the road is not something that you can come in handy , and then, without which you can not do without “(this is everywhere suitable), and the phrase that relates to the relationship -” Do not give more than you are asked, and do not ask more than you need. ”

By the way, Canadian scientists have found that men and women, whose partners are perfectionists, suffer from their sarcasm, grumbling, and other conflicting ways of communication to a much greater extent than others.

Lera Nezabudkina, specially for SHE