“Should I forget the old love and not be sad about it?” Should I forget the old love and friendship of the old days? “Robert Burns asked.”You can not enter twice into the same river,” said Heraclitus. “You can not stick a broken cup,” says the popular wisdom. What prompts you to return to the past and try to restore an old relationship? What are the risks of such attempts to start everything from a new leaf?
“And what would have happened if …”, – you think after another love disappointment or after another family scandal. From nowhere, in your fantasies he appears – your first love, a man from the past, stately and in love. Passive girls who believe in fate, sigh, dream and will go to wash dishes. And those who are more active, roll up their sleeves and start ringing old common acquaintances, friends or search the Internet.
Today it is much easier to reunite with the former passion than before. It is so easy that many people, partly from curiosity, partly from discontent with their lives, go in search of old love. You have nothing to risk if you and he are free, but if it is not so, the happiness of other people is at stake. But you do not think about it – just a cup of coffee with an old friend, nothing more!
Why are you trying to find him?
To the causes of longing for the old relationship, psychologists refer to the so-called autobiographical memory: memories of events experienced up to 20 years. The results of the research show that the most vivid and vivid memories are between the 10th and 20th years. It is at this time that the personality and ideas about the world around us are formed. Perhaps you studied together at school or at university, you had common friends. In this case, you probably have similar values and it matches your romantic notions of a partner. The desire to find the ideal, invented in youth, can lead to the need to find a successful end to its old love story.
In addition, the first love, according to psychologists, easily captures those who had to disperse due to circumstances (due to the efforts of parents or moving). Nevertheless, not all are taking action to find their first love. There are other reasons for that.
Cause 1. All bad things are in the past. You remember only the good – that candy-buketny period, when the breath died away, and in the chest yokalo. Nostalgia becomes relevant if you have fights on the personal front or, on the contrary, a frightening lull. You forget about the true reasons for parting and blame everything on the destiny of the villain. And if you strain and remember other details? Rudeness, disagreement and betrayal have nothing to do with passionate kisses and hot embraces, but do not forget about the true reasons for your parting.
Reason 2. I am sad and lonely.Well, you can not build a new relationship. No heroes are now, or you are simply tired of the tedious construction of love. And you furtively glance back – or maybe it was wrong, and maybe you did not see it? You are sad and lonely, you start digging in the past to confirm your importance, so that, after catching an admiring glance and hearing “You look great,” blush and understand that not everything is lost. The main thing is not to get carried away in pursuit of adequate self-esteem and stop in time. Think about what you really want. Would you stir up the past if you had a loved one and loved one?
Reason 3. Check for lice.You have a beloved man, and your first love, it is likely, a beloved woman. But you are bored with something, and then he turns and you begin to flirt. Flirtation can take you very far, much further than you originally planned. You may be convinced of your attractiveness, but unlike a lonely young lady, you have something to take risks. Therefore, before you pick up the phone and dial the number you found, carefully look around, look at the family photos with happy faces and think carefully – whether you want to risk it.
The future with the former
It is unlikely that someone will take responsibility and say that the future with your ex is bright, joyful and in pink ruches. At the same time, if you feel that this person really needs you, it is unlikely that the persistent enticements of your friends will stop you.
According to research, almost four-fifths of those who found their old love after a long separation and were not married at that time were divorced or widowed, stay together for a long time.
But not everything is so radiant. Foreign psychologists for 13 years have investigated the phenomenon of renewed love. Modern technologies contribute to shameless interference in personal life – in the 1990s, when very few people used the Internet for personal purposes, 70% of those who were eager to meet the old love were unmarried. Today, the Internet is widespread, and this ratio has completely changed. Now 62% of those who seek the object of their first love, is married. Most of them are not going to have a love affair on the side – they are engaged in a thoughtless search, run into a name familiar from old times, and write a letter to this person just for fun. They do not realize what avalanche of feelings is being released: the same zones are activated in the brain as when taking cocaine! (Inopressa)
If you still decided to try to restore an old relationship, better slowly, slowly, build relationships. You released a genie from a bottle – feelings that have been held back for so long are difficult to control. Do not forget that you did not quarrel and did not pause in the relationship – you broke up, so it was a good reason. In order not to repeat the mistakes of the past, it is advisable to talk about this and understand what was done wrong.
In any case, be with yourself frank, find out the true reasons for your newly flared up love. If, by renewing old relationships, you are trying to raise self-esteem – this is hardly a good start for a mature relationship. If you forget all the bad things that happened, and remember only pleasant moments – maybe it’s worth leaving them with memories that evoke a smile? “Never go back to where you were happy, if you want everything you experienced there to remain alive in your memory,” Agatha Christie advised. “This paradise is a lost paradise,” said Marcel Proust.
Lera Nezabudkina, specially for SHE