My second mother

There is such an anecdote: after a difficult birth, a woman is brought to her son. She looks at him for a long time and says:
“How I hate her!”
“Whom?” the nurse asked, confused.
– As whom? My future daughter-in-law!
Getting married, any girl has to reconcile with something. One groom is constantly watching football matches, another is crazy about his car, the third snores, and the fourth is picking at the nose. But all unites one thing – each of them has a mother.

There is such an anecdote: after a difficult birth, a woman is brought to her son. She looks at him for a long time and says:
“How I hate her!”
“Whom?” the nurse asked, confused.
– As whom? My future daughter-in-law!

Getting married, any girl has to reconcile with something. One groom is constantly watching football matches, another is crazy about his car, the third snores, and the fourth is picking at the nose. But all unites one thing – each of them has a mother.

As Marlene Dietrich said, if you feel wings behind your shoulders, then you have a good mother-in-law. But a huge number of women no longer feel their wings when a second mom comes to visit. The mother-in-law does not always bring good and joy. More often it appears with old discontent and a new recommendation. It is worth noting that, unlike folk art, abounding with sayings, hints and anecdotes about mother-in-law, about mother-in-law, much less is said. There is a version that this is due to the fact that it’s no longer funny. By the way, the very word “mother-in-law” has nothing to do with blood. “Mother-in-law” comes from the Slavonic svekr, related to the ancient Indian cvecuras, lat. socer, which, in fact, denoted this kind of kinship.

Perhaps you have often heard happy stories, when the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law live soul to soul and become almost the best friends. But the problem of misunderstanding between two cousins ​​takes place in different cultures. “In paradise empty two seats are empty: one for a good mother-in-law, and the second for a good daughter-in-law,” says the Eastern proverb, evenly distributing the blame for the negative between the two women.

The classical mother-in-law has deep knowledge in any matter – from politics to the preparation of borscht. And she is always better informed than you are.

The mother-in-law gives recommendations and instructions. There are many instructions on the issues in which she is a pro, i.e. for all. At the same time, the notion of relevance is completely absent – criticism and advice from it can be heard anywhere, the presence of outsiders is not a hindrance. She sincerely believes that criticizing only helps you. Even when he passes his finger along the back of the table and, heavily sighing, goes to wash his hands. As a rule, the classical mother-in-law wants to keep everything under control – starting from the marital status of your husband’s boss and ending with the cost of your new fur coat.

Such a person is difficult to call a mother. By the way, earlier the Altai had no right to address their husband and his elder relatives by name. Therefore, the unfortunate daughter-in-law, in order to speak with her mother-in-law, was forced to describe her, for example: “having an earring.”

Dislike between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is explained quite simply – two women love one man and compete with each other. 

It is no accident that the relationship between the daughter-in-law and the father-in-law is more smooth, and more often neutral – there is no struggle between them. In addition, maternal subjectivism prevents the mother-in-law from adequately assessing her offspring. A woman, whose life’s meaning comes down to caring for her son, often painfully experiences his marriage. She’s been taking care of her boy for so many years, and now he has another woman who (oh, horror!) Will mean more to him than her mother. The mother-in-law starts to think about the inevitably approaching old age. Hence, sometimes inadequate actions towards the daughter-in-law.

Nevertheless, it is worth accepting that you can not replace your mother-in-law with another, no matter how much you do not want it. So try to find an approach to your capricious relative.

There are three main strategies of behavior with the mother-in-law:

1. Kill her gently.Of course not in the literal sense. You invite her to Sunday lunch, make her compliments, give flowers and gifts for the holidays. She slowly goes mad with surprise. Remarks about the fact that the salad is not salted, and she does not like roses, you ignore. But you often call her, ask about what is important for her – about health, about seedlings, about the latest developments in the House-2 (this is necessary for the cause!). You can ask advice from a wise mother – how to cook the porridge properly, how long it takes to walk with the baby, how to get rid of the annoying neighbor, etc. But if you asked for advice – do it, otherwise there will be a mortal offense. If it melts and takes you for its own, you can slow down. If not – well, you did everything you could, your efforts are worthy of respect. If you do not want to sneer and cajole your mother-in-law, use strategy # 2 or # 3.

2. Direct confrontation. You call her to a dialogue and talk about the main thing – you know that she does not love you, and you want to find out the relationship once and for all. But it is worth remembering that attempts to appeal to the mind of a relative can not lead to success. If you are not afraid of a major scandal, dare. Preliminary it is necessary to be convinced, that the husband is on your side, otherwise troubles can not be avoided.

3. Keep the distance.The safest option. You do not babble and do not go to open conflict. You just say what you think, but do it neatly and calmly. Patience and politeness work wonders. If your mother-in-law does not stop interfering with your life, then your restraint will at least diminish her ardor. After hearing critical remarks, change the subject of the conversation, talk about a new article in the magazine or about grandchildren already available or future.

Speaking of grandchildren. Remember the episode from the movie “My mother-in-law – a monster,” when already near the end appears the elderly mother-in-law mother-in-law of the main character and releases very flattering reviews about her daughter-in-law? The young bride Charlie watches this picture and in horror utters: “This will endlessly last? We will be the same in 30 years? “Perhaps you already have a son, or someday will be. And it is likely that you will be equally painful to experience the presence of another woman in your son’s life.
In addition, scandals with her mother-in-law are not the best way to affect marital relationships-especially if she has a big impact on your husband. Try to find a common language with your mother-in-law, let her know that you are pursuing the same goals as she. Even if you do not become best friends, you will turn from enemies to allies.

Lera Nezabudkina, specially for SHE